I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
