Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
