Sry I called you an 8
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
