drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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