I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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