Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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