Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
being pregnant is like rehab
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
