Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
