so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
