i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
