I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
