My nipple is on Facebook.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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