Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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