a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
