1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
