I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
