Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
