I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
