When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
