The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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