Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
