my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
