You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
