The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
