I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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