Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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