Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
