i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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