I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Still dying that you shit outside
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
