I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
