I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Boobs are out for the taking
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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