I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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