Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
