I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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