I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
