Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
