The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
