your thong is hanging out like whoa
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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