I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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