i permit you to call me
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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