end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
