Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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