I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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