That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
