either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
