Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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