your parents love me but you hate me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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