Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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