Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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