Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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